A P.I.’s favourite alcoholic drink

Author:

Krioni A.E.

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A P.I.’s favourite alcoholic drink

01 April 2020 | 413 views

Of all alcoholic beverages, the Russian detective’s favourite is, famously, straight vodka. But when the Motherland needs saving and a foreign spy unmasking with no time to lose, our detective will be sure to go about their noble mission with a mixture of Vodka and sparkling alcohol in hand.

This is because detectives spend a lot of time interacting with foreigners, who, as we all know, prefer wine, schnapps, and beer.

Wine doesn’t affect a spy’s powers of reasoning so strongly as to make them contravene protocols. A glass of wine won’t keep a Frenchman or Spaniard from full fluency in the ideas of Marx or Schopenhauer, or from seeing through our detective’s investigative schemes. For a German, enjoying a glass of beer will have even less of an effect: even after an hour, any lover of the Bavarian drink will still be able to state Kant’s proof of the existence of God, and then, almost as if mocking you, refute it just as comprehensively.

When it comes to dulling a spy’s sharp senses, there’s nothing better than yorsh – a cocktail of beer and vodka that pits the mind of the enemy against the Russian P.I.’s schemes. Only yorsh loosens the foe’s tongue and makes their reasoning foggy and predictable, just as Russian vodka does, but in a smaller dose. That’s why it’s better to offer Yorsh on your hard-earned travel expenses than French Château Haut-Batailley.

It’s also why the Russian detective is forced to put up with drinking every day (and not due to the indifferent idleness imposed by quarantine). It’s hard work – a never-ending trial by ordeal. As the detective drinks, they suffer for every law-abiding citizen, just as the Apostle Peter suffered on the inverted cross. Not because they want to, but because it’s their duty to drain every last drop.

For detectives like us, it’s simply our destiny.